The Eurovision Song Contest – 10 ways to save the show and the European Union


Personally I think they should ban this sad joke of a music contest. They only purpose it does is to give Graham Norton a freebie annual Euro holiday and endure the rest of us to the torture of watching inept presenters trying to do justice to a dire script and utterly appalling show concept. The BBC along with the French, German, Italian and Spanish TV networks, aka the ‘Big Five’, actually pay big bucks for this turkey, as the largest contributors to the European Broadcast Union.  When you think about it, this is  grossly unfair to license fee payers, who have no say in how our money is spent.  That cash could otherwise be spent on producing top quality entertainment and factual TV content. Sherlock fans all over the world are crying out or more shows, yet we have to wait on average 2 years per series and only get 3 shows per run, but have to suffer this contest on an annual basis.

And what were all the pops against China all about?  Pointless, stupid and extremely foolish, a phrase which also pretty much summed up the hosts.

As for the, ‘let’s surprise Graham Norton’, for once I actually felt sorry for the guy. Graham is only saying what most of us were thinking. The show runners should be grateful to him, he is the main reason why most of us still watch this tripe. When a world famous commentator quits an assumed all-expenses paid, annual jolly there must be a reason – Eurovision should sit up and take note. This show is a ready-stuffed turkey, that needs to be put out of it’s misery, roasted alongside some carrots, parsnips, potatoes and served with plenty of gravy. It needs to go!

Or …

They could do this …

Return to the real point of the contest – to encourage the unity of a continent and celebrate diversity. How? By doing all of the following …

1) Every year pick a different European language, and make every contestant perform their song in that language.

That makes the contest about the song and not about voting for your neighbours because you can’t vote for yourself. It eliminates tactical voting, and makes for a level playing field for the contestants.  It also means that countries whose national language isn’t English, French or German, have just as equal chance to win and an opportunity to place their mother tongue in the spot light.

2) Make all the voting blind.

I’m fed up with the Eastern European Block voting for fellow Eastern European Block counties. Scandinavian countries all voting of each other.  How many times have Greece given Cyprus 12 points and vice versa? In the words of Jim Moriarty … BORRRIIIINNNGGGGG!!! It also makes for a far shorter show, and I don’t have to see a bunch of dressed up, Katie Price wannabe’s, giving false praise to the hosts and over milking the limelight to boost their own sad media careers.

3) Ban inept hosts.

Nuff said!

4) Ditch the pre-results interim performance.

Singers dressed in white suits performing on top of light ladders looks silly. Be honest, how many of you were hoping the lead singer would fall off? No one can ever beat River Dance – let it go!

5) Make compulsory that host nation produce an exhibition.

1 month before Eurovision and 1 month afterwards showcase, all that is good about Eurovision (it will be a small exhibition of course!) as well as highlight the wonders of the host nation. What a wonderful promo opportunity for tourism, after all everyone likes a sing-a-long on holiday.

6) Every country to contribute equally to the production costs.

Why should a small minority of the countries pay for a Europe wide competition? Isn’t that dictatorship under a different cloak? This ‘Big Five’ malarkey is simply unfair. And no, I don’t see the benefit of the UK being allowed automatically through to the final as a good thing.

7) Bring back Wogan.

Keep Graham and have them co-host the show. It would be best best comedy act since Laurel and Hardy.

8) Make all the European televisions and radio broadcasters 6 months before the contest starts produce or commission the following program of events.

Documentaries, dramas, music shows, theatre, literature, culture, news, arts and crafts, nature programs etc etc from and by the host country, giving viewers the chance to learn about that nation. This would encourage understanding and acceptance of our neighbours.  It would be a great way to develop new, positive relationships and after a few years, this could prove to be a really unique opportunity to promote peace.

9) Ban any performances which cause offence or supports prejudice in any form.

Poland, take note – those costumes were a joke and as for the woman with the milk churn … this is a family show, leave the innuendo at home – disgusting and shameful.

10) and finally, for the love of God and all things holy, please, please, please no more American producers, songwriters, production teams, stylists, managers, etc etc.

No offence to the Americans, but I don’t understand how countries don’t contribute to the production costs of the show, but would happily pay  millions to a US songwriter, just to win the thing. If you can find the dosh to pay for an out of continent producer, then cough up the dough for the show too.  This is a European Song Contest, to promote Europe. Don’t complain about the dominance of the US music industry and then hire the same people to produce a song for Europe.

OK I’ve had my rant. Not that it will do any good, but let it be known, I tried to save the show, and the EU.  See you in Austria!